AND THE LACK THEREOF*

*we put the "mmm" in communism

about

This is the personal blog of Tim. Here, Tim writes on anything he has enough inspiration to finish a post on. That usually ends up being matters of science, pop culture, technology, religion, and philosophy.

This blog is around nine years old, which is over a third of Tim's current age. Back in 2003, it was called "Of Tim: Tim's life - or lack thereof", and it was as bad as you might expect the blog of a freshman in high school to be. Tim hopes that his writing is a little better, these days.

Tim welcomes any input that you, the dear reader, might have. Comments are very much appreciated, especially if you have a dissenting opinion. If you'd like to learn more about Tim, you might want to see his facebook or google+.

Also: Tim is a very avid consumer of various sorts of music. You may be interested in his playlists!

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Music has always held a strange place in my head. You know that I have strange listening habits - a look at my last.fm tells you that I've listened to the same ten songs almost ten-thousand times. Some of them are short, some of them aren't. I listen to one song on repeat until it no longer matches my mood. On other days, whatever I'm listening to carves my mood.

This is one of those days. I woke up late again, after not doing a pile of homework that was due, I sat in the shower and stared at the wall for thirty minutes before fumbling my way back downstairs and laying on my bed for four hours. There's a sense of hopelessness that takes over, and the word 'worthless' kept running through my head all day. I know it's not true, but a quick, objective examination of my life over the past year doesn't warm my soul too much. I want a lot of things taken care of, for me. I want to be done with school, to forget it and move on. I want a job, truly and earnestly - I want to be doing something productive and I want to be compensated for it. I don't enjoy generalizing my accomplishments in my head, repeating past victories in my head to console a bruised ego.

But that's what the word 'worthless' is about. High school has been, on the whole, about losing my ego. That's a good thing. Yet alongside that, I've stopped expecting anything of myself, because I have no pride to defend. I fantasize about having a job that I'll enjoy in five (mayhaps seven) years, about some day being in good shape physically, mentally, and emotionally. I yearn for independance, the ability to stand on my own two feet. Some mock the idea of humans being independant, for we're dependant creatures, but I think you (yes, you) know what I mean.

My one comfort in this is that I can look at past versions of my self (with a space) and know that I'm building up, not down. I might be lazy, unreliable, and apathetic, but I know I've grown, somewhere in there. I'm just not doing that growth any justice. It deserves better than this.
posted by MC Froehlich at
Blogger Gregory said...
We need to talk.

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