Perhaps it's just the excessive amount of Coke I've had today, but today has sucked. Maybe it's just that Jen keeps trying to hump my foot, and runs under my bed before I get the chance to smack her. It could be the 4 spotlights in the sky. Could it be that Mars is really close to Earth today? It's been a very emo day, a depressing length of time, restless, frustrating, confusing, a day I do not particularly enjoy.

The things that have stricken me so greatly on this day are numerous. Look at that whole "me-not-dating" thing I mentioned a week or two ago. My hope in doing that was to deter me from pitying my lonely self all the time, which it thoroughly failed in doing. That's to be expected, I suppose. Screw it.

I despise how my mother seems intent on asking if any girl I mention is my girlfriend. It's degrading, in so many ways. Am I not right to respond with a moderate level of angst and ferocity? I am reminded of Maximus (and Commodus), in Gladiator. Are you not entertained, am I not merciful, and other such lines. If only.

Every day, I fight to maintain what is left of my self-image. I hate it. I hate lookng at C's on all my tests, I hate fighting this overwhelming accusation against me, that I am average, that I am not what I am told. People tell me, they tell me I'm naturally brilliant, that I think well, that I'm gonna be something awesome. When I feel normal, I don't doubt any of that, and I don't require the security of knowing any of those things. I don't feel normal. Something about high school, something about it, everything screams to me that I shouldn't be myself. I walk in that door, I smell that horrid, horrid stench of paper, cafeteria food, dust, and floor cleaner, and it makes my head ache.

I got a call from the school on Thursday, when I stayed home after working for 8 hours on my CS project, telling me I have no more grace days. I hate the system. Spending 30 minutes in a cold lecture hall after school is no motivation to get me to come to school on time, why do they not think on our terms? It reminds me of our country, our world, and how so, so crappy it all is. I occasionally ask God why I have to be down here, even though I know the answer.

Maybe it's just the 250 pages I have to read before the end of tomorrow. If only the dream in my head could be expressed.