I've had the feeling again.

The feeling where my heart sags and beats irregularly, where I can think of nothing but gloom and doom. It spews this angst, this attitude that eats humor and joy for lunch, and occasionally brunch. I've spent all of today complaining to my dad about how much I hate school and generally saying anything I can that will distance myself from my inability to be responsible for my work. Whether anything I said is true is unquestionably irrelevant. Joe Wilson and Judith Pastel's shortcomings as leaders of my educational system are not an excuse for my failures.

Tonight, I did my generic, meaningless plea to God. Something about me, a little more about my selfish needs, what I need, what I want, what must happen to me, complete with a delicious topping of insecerity and laziness. I knew I was wasting my breath, and I knew exactly what I needed to do. So I spent three hours not doing it. And I felt miserable for the whole three hours.

Once I finally got around to opening up my Bible, I read the last two chapters of Ecclesiastes. As I run across verse 8 through 10, I finally get the entire point of Ecclesiastes.

"However many years a man may live, let him enjoy them all. But let him remember the days of darkness, for they will be many. Everything to come is meaningless. Be happy, young man, while you are young, and let your heart give you joy in the days of your youth. Follow the ways of your heart and whatever your eyes see, but know that for all these things God will bring you to judgment. So then, banish anxiety from your heart and cast off the troubles of your body, for youth and vigor are meaningless."

Meaningless. Life. Meaningless. Not pointless. Not worthless. Meaningless. This exact thing has been bugging me for two weeks straight. When I say bugging me, I really mean to say it's been controlling my actions and thought processes to a very unhealthy level. I had this circular train of thought going. I was confused over the whole concept of enjoyment and despair. If I eat something and enjoy it now, it's not making me happy later, so what's the point? Every enjoyable thing is temporary; games don't last forever, jokes stop being funny, movies get old. This is a basic fact that everyone knows but very few understand. These very few are what we call "content". I understood this. But I wasn't getting the "point" of enjoying anything at all because it's so temporary. That's where the answer comes in. They're meaningless. They don't provide meaning to my life. They don't give it meat. They don't give me any joy whatsoever. No material thing can do that (not even an HDTV). I've been relying on them for some kind of mental support so much these days.

I've got more on my mind, but some of it I can't say. Or won't, anyways. Good night, yon readers.